Running somewhere new or to something new, does not mean I will be new. God alone renews. Planning out and laboring over a specific route does not mean that’s the one I should take. Running with my eyes on Christ, my Savior, and not myself is the only true way to get anywhere worth going and with unimaginable joy in any circumstances to boot.

Her eyes travel up, the sky is bright and clusters of puffy clouds seem to be painted on it, like splotches on a blank canvas.  She’s out.  The cool breeze meets her cheeks while her lips press into a smile.  Her eyes close with a deep breath of overdue serenity.  She pauses, letting her surroundings saturate her senses.

She is back.  Now knowing with her whole being that her time in the desert has ended.  But she vowed never to forget the time she spent there, understanding the nature of a season.

She’s back.  Now she waits.  Peace fills her heart, the overflow turns to joy.  She lays back in the soft carefully placed blades of grass and rests, basking in the light of His faithfulness.

So she continued on, finding little flowers sprouting up every fifteen feet or so, and she followed them through tunnel after tunnel. With each flower she found, felt she left a little sorrow behind her.  Unfortunately she had a lot of sorrow, and she would need many flowers to leave it behind completely.  She followed the flowers, climbing up a great pile of rocks, and back down again. When she reached the bottom, she noticed what looked like a big flower in the distance, this one would remove all her sorrow for sure!  As she made her way closer, she realized that it was not a flower at all, but a way out of the caves and into the light.  Although she was disappointed that all her sorrow would not be removed, she knew that she must continue on, the flowers gave her that hope, they lead her and she followed without understanding or even knowing where her journey would take her next.

She reached the mouth of the cave, it was bright, really bright.   Just like when someone turns on the lights when you’re trying to get to sleep.  Surprisingly bright, upsetting bright.  But she knew she must take these steps out of the caves and into the unknown. She took the step.

The light of the sun seemed to dry up her sorrow.  However, if you must know, sorrow does not dry up and leave anything nice, the remnants settle and seem to bring about numbness, a sort of dull throbbing apathy.

With the next steps she felt the open breeze as it blew her hair back, but it was not the refreshing sort of breeze one feels by the ocean. This breeze was dry, hot, and dusty; as it blew in her face her eyes shut and she then squinted  to see a vast desert before her.  It seemed familiar, she felt she had been here before, and it was not a good feeling.  In fact all those who are called have been here, but the trick about this place is,  it is up to them when they leave.

The longer she lingered in the dessert sun, the more sorrow turned to apathy, the more she forgot about the beauty and joy she found staring out at the open sea, listening to the waves crash.  All she could think of now is how far this land went on, it seemed to go for ages, and she had the sudden urge to walk. So that is what she did.  She walked through the monotony  of brown, with the crunch of dirt and pebbles under her feet. She lost all sense of time and space, and she began to thirst,  however she did not have the sense to find water, she just kept walking, almost in a daze.

Occasionally she would look back to the caves from which she came, her walking would slow and it was as if the wind had stirred up the sorrow inside, creating a whirlwind within her heart. She tried not to dwell on the sorrows of that cave, after all, she was in the dessert now, but although the dark, damp caverns where physically behind her, she could not always keep them from being before her in her mind. When these whirlwinds came about, she would sometimes think of the sea, how small it made her and everything else feel, and how it was a perfect balance of warmth and coolness.  In those moments she longed to go back. But then the dust settled in her heart and the dull throbs of apathy came back and she continued on in the desert, not knowing where she was going, and forgetting that she even cared.

Taken from: God’s Compassion, Blog post by Justin Holcomb, The Resurgence.com

Jesus Has Compassion

Hebrew 2:17 links Jesus’ suffering to his disposition toward us: “Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God.”

Commenting on this passage, John Calvin explains Christ’s desire to sympathize with us as we suffer:

And it is the true teaching of faith when we in our case find the reason why the Son of God undertook our infirmities. For all knowledge without feeling the need of this benefit is cold and lifeless. But he teaches us that Christ was made subject to human affections, that He might be a merciful and faithful high priest…For in a priest, whose office it is to appease God’s wrath, to help the miserable, to raise up the fallen, to relieve the oppressed, mercy is especially required, and it is what experience produces in us. For it is a rare thing for those who are always happy to sympathize with the sorrows of others…The Son of God had no need of experience that He might know the emotions of mercy. But we could not be persuaded that He is merciful and ready to help us had He not become acquainted by experience with our miseries. But this, as other things, has been as a favor given to us. Therefore whenever any evils pass over us, let it ever occur to us, that nothing happens to us but what the Son of God has Himself experienced in order that He might sympathize with us; nor let us doubt but that He is at present with us as though He suffered with us…An acquaintance with our sorrows and miseries so inclines Christ to compassion, that He is constant in imploring God’s aid for us. (Commentary on Hebrews)

I have no understanding, and I’d be arrogant to say that I have the slightest idea of what the future holds, Almighty God knows that alone and has planned every detail.  But like Job my heart aches in tribulation.  And I feel the need to make sense of something beyond my understanding and control.

My mom has a nerve disease and lately it has been getting worse. Right now she is in the hospital because the pain was unbearable for her, pain that I can not even begin to understand.  She’s described it as internal and external burning while being simultaneously poked with a poker that has been heated in hot coals and that does not even begin to cover it. I can not even wrap my mind around what her days must feel like.

It shows me how selfish I am

It shows me just how contradictory this world is, beautiful yet utterly broken

It makes me realize  how much I need God

Heavenly Father, You are the Maker of Heaven and Earth. You are Holy Holy Holy. You are my refuge, shield, and stronghold.  You are the great I am.  Father, You are righteous, just, and full of grace and mercy.  Your love is sacrificial and pure.  Oh Lord help me to be like you. Lord give my mom comfort and healing in the midst of this horrible pain.  Help her Father to have comfort in You, Lord that peace may be a perfect reslut of trust in You.  Lord You heal all diseases, Father if it is your will, please heal her, You are more than able.  May it be a testament of your power.  Father be with my family as we come along side her, give us hearts of compassion. Give us your heart.  Jesus You know pain and suffering, you know excruciating pain.  Thank you for saving us, thank you for your sacrifice.  I ask that you would take away my moms pain, heal her Lord please heal her. as i close my eyes Lord help me to sleep because you are my help in times of need. You are my solace. You are the cornerstone of my life and by your strength i will go on another day to tell of your glory and grace.  Use this to make us stronger. Father help my mom and be with my dad.  And I will obey you and be a good daughter to them because my love for them is deep. thank you for my parents. when the tears fall still i will praise you in Jesus’ name. amen

One thing he talked about was how David said God was his shield. Apparently this type of shield was one used when going into battle, it wrapped around the person who was marching into battle…God is that shield to me, He wraps His protection around me, but if i turn my back and run, I lose that protection. Only in sheer obedience do we receive God’s full shield of protection. I see that clearly now.

Although this is nothing compared to how Jesus was betrayed in the garden… I now have a small understanding of how He must have felt.  It is nice to know that God knows exactly what I feel right now… I just have to remember “be angry but do not sin” and “with God all things are possible”

“Maybe God is sparing you from greater pain…”

There was a little more to the sentence, but these few words stuck to my heart.  They remind me of God’s perspective, and remove me from my own.  Although the sadness was unbearable, and can still be today, these words are a simple reminder that God knows best.  I can not see the future, but perhaps this heartbreak is a bend compared to a gruesome snap that could have been, if my own plans had been accomplished.

I still feel pain from this bend, but I’m not broken.  With God’s word as my medicine and support from God’s people, I am on the mend.  Looking back I realize that God has spared me and that His plan is far better than my own. He spared me and does so because He did not spare His Son, but gave Him up as a ransom.

May I continue to live for Him alone, trust Him alone, and devote myself to Him alone.

Restore me. Sweep me off my feet and into your presence.  How I want to see You.  How I want to be with You now, and end this balance of worlds.  But Your pleasure is Your glory and let that be my strength that I may not tire, but continue on knowing that you are an unlimited source of energy.  You are the fuel in the lamp, and I am just the wick.  Move me to be impowered by you alone, for that is the only way to have an everlasting flame.  Anything else will consume me, but with You I will not be consumed.  Keep me from such things, give me sight of You.

In the quiet I sit and You’re only as far away as I move from You.  So I sit, close to You and dare not move.

…who heals all diseases, who forgives all iniquities, who redeems my life from destruction…

“the reality is, just as bad weather or a mechanical problem can ground the flight that you’re one, sin can ground your life flight.  Sin can slam you to the earth and bring you down forever… Sin is breaking the law of God… God will not allow you to take off on your life flight with Him, until the issue of sin has been dealt with in your life. He simply wont release you to take flight with Him. We like to believe that that’s not an issue, we like to ignore it, pretend that it doesn’t exist. I can pretend, but the truth is I’m not going anywhere when there is sin in my life.”

I’ve taken God’s peace and applied it to my life

I  feel its full effects

Warmth surrounds me

The light shines through

The road is still rocky

As it will be evermore

But with you enthroned before me

All is well.

Well, he was implying that believers and followers of Christ could be Practical Atheists. When we put ourselves above God, we are denying the glory that is due to His name, and taking it for ourselves.  In other words… we’re it, we don’t need God.  When we put our sinful desires and lusts before God we are declaring Him to be worthless, while we reign supreme.  We know what’s better and do not heed to God’s word. Thus, we are a fool (Proverbs 12:15).

I was reading Philippians today 2:3 says, “Le nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit…”  I pause there because I noted the meaning of the word conceit when reading the verse.  John MacArthur says “This word refers to the pursuit of personal glory, which is the motivation for selfish ambition.”  Conceit literally means ‘empty glory’.  And that is what it is, when we regard ourselves before God and others it is in a sense practical atheism.  It is practical for us because we get what we want in that moment disregarding what God wants and who God is.

Of course when serving ourselves consequences  arise (which they no doubt will because God put His law into place not only for His glory, but for our protection) and that is often when we realize that we have replaced our loving Father with our worldly idol… selfishness… Thankfully Jesus’ blood was spilled on our behalf, as a sacrifice for our sin.  Just as David approached the alter with a lamb to be slaughtered, so should we approach God through Jesus Christ.  If only we would have that attitude when temptation arises.

Now that repentance has begun, we must not only know that we are forgiven, but go about the rest of the day as we are forgiven.  You can not act the same way, full and biblical repentance  requires change of behavior.  Grace is not a license to sin, it came at a price and how dare anyone take advantage of that price.  Saying that God’s grace flows and then going back to sin, is the biggest disappointment and most disgusting act.  We all have done it, but don’t let excuses get in the way of full repentance. Through Jesus, God broke sin’s power over us, and full repentance is a matter of  the will.  Are you willing?

Practical Atheism or having a functional savior or whatever you want to call it is the work of Satan.  He wants us to believe we can not overcome, he wants us to be content in our self-centered, self-pleasing, selfishness… because that means less glory to God.  “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”  God’s will is his word, live as his word says to live, and you will not be foolish, you will not be a practical atheist, you will be a God honoring, Christ loving, self-sacrificial child of the most holy God.  Make the best use of your time now, repent fully and permanently.  God’s grace flows, and more people need to dethrone themselves and know Christ as their  Lord and Savior.  And for some reason He uses us to touch people for Him… Let us walk in a worthy manner right this moment.

Why do I turn back

What makes it feel okay

Your Spirit groans

I feel your pain

And yet here I am

Turning

Still feeling this way

I look to the wrong

You call me to the right

Open arms

I crawl to You

Bruised knees

Ashamed

Defeated

Alone

Unsatisfied

I crawl back to You

Scraped hands

Broken heart

Haunted by memories

Again I crawl back to You

Head hung

You lift my chin

You feel my tears

And hold me up

You never mislead

Redeeming Love

Why do I choose anything else?

The high school youth leaders at my church are taking turns sharing their “story” one Sunday night.  So I’ve been thinking of my story, where I’ve come from, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. I have a blog, so it’s obvious that I think reflection is important and I often feel like God prompts me to write certain things, even if nobody is reading them…

When thinking about my childhood, I can’t help but think of a song… it represents a main theme of my life, belonging. Can you guess what song?  That’s not much of a clue, so I will tell you.  The song I Can Go the Distance from Disney’s Hercules…Yeah I know what you’re thinking… wow that is cheesy… I feel the same way, and yet the words spoke to me and still strike me as powerful in a secular sort of way.  Since childhood I have always longed to “belong”.

Being a reflective loner at heart, I’ve always wanted to feel like there was somewhere I would belong, where I would be understood, accepted, and valued.  In my eyes, I always fell short and often felt overlooked or just someone in the background that is never really remembered or given a second thought.  I’m not looking for a big crowd like Hurcules, crowds make me nervous, but I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong.

Now that I’m an adult, I’ve realized that I’m not a greek god like Hercules and there really isn’t anything too extraordinary about me… and although I feel like I often do not belong, I do know one thing for sure…

Christ died for me, and I belong with Him.  I remember when I was told that God chose me and not only that, He lives inside of me!  At that moment it clicked… I belonged.  To think that the Creator of the universe would take thought of me enough to reside inside of me, overwhelmed me.  I did not know what to think…Why would He love me, the quiet, somewhat weird girl, who was often overlooked, and can never seem to adequately express what is inside?

A little later in my relationship with God, I realized it’s not about who I am, it’s about who God is.  His grace overflows and His love is unending… So much so that Jesus came to earth in all humility, to face every temptation, live in absolute poverty, be betrayed by a follower and “friend”, and ultimately be crucified on the cross… and what for?

For all those times I did not trust God. For all those times I put what I wanted before Him. For all those times I chose a functional savior over the real Savior of my soul. For all those times I turned away when His arms were open. For all those times I felt sorry for myself and fell into despair, and of course there are those times where I think that I’m doing okay without Him…

It’s for those and so much more that He died and rose again… So that I might not only belong, but thrive!  That I would have life, and life abundant. It does not mean my life is easy by any means, sometimes I honestly would rather not face the day.  More often than I’d like to admit, pulling the covers over my head seems like the best option. But God gives strength, hope, peace, grace, mercy, love, and so much more.  I still battle with fitting in, I still battle with feelings of insufficiency, and I still battle with rejection and loss. But never alone now, and never without hope.  I may find myself alone, but then I hear God’s voice, “My grace is sufficient”.

So I challenge you to live in a state of sanctified discomfort.  I do not want to be comfortable with my sinful thoughts and feelings… the thoughts that Satan uses to lead me from my Savior… the thoughts that I get into, the ones that I shared above….God came to set the captives free… what are you captive to? and why are you still holding on to it?

I’ve  wondered what my life would be like now if I had not gotten sick, it could have gone in many directions.  I know wondering can be a huge waste of time, so I try to avoid it, and accept my circumstances with a joy… that’s the Christian answer right there.  But truth be told, God knows I hate it. He knows how it makes me feel. He knows how much I’d like to be better. He knows that I try so hard to put on a brave face.  And I know that I am not alone because whatever pain, frustration, betrayal, loneliness, and exclusion I feel…. He has felt to the extreme.  All of those horrible feelings, those whispers from Satan, and those times of darkness were made manifold when He died on the cross for sin. When He was sacrificed so that we may have life and life eternal.

Although my disease is most likely going to follow me the remainder of my life, I know that it is God ordained and He will use it…. will I let him? I’d like to answer that with a confident “yes, everyday for the rest of my life”, but my sinful self holds me back. I’m just thankful that the Holy Spirit is inside of me and changing me even this very moment… Conforming me to Christ… what an undeserved honor that is!

Ephesians talks about taking off the old self and putting on the new… I’ve heard the old self, sin nature, described as rotting flesh and every time my heart is prompted to despair, I try to imagine peeling back that rotting flesh and casting it aside… it’s a constant battle, and often times I find myself far too content wearing rotting flesh. But the thing about rotting flesh is that everyone knows… you can see it and you can smell it.  Others who are engaged in this casting off and putting on know when you are content… they know when you stop casting off and grow so comfortable in the rot that you don’t even realize it. More importantly God knows and He hates sin… Sinning means we think we know more than God. We think we know what’s best. How arrogant is that!

So I ask you now, where is your rotting flesh and why are you waiting to get it off?  God desires to make us white as snow, tonight I repent of my lack of trust in God’s ultimate plan, and cling to the promises of His word.  I love Him so much, and it pains me to think that I turn from Him so often… that I’d rather rot than be made new by Him. But O how His grace overflows and my joy wells up, knowing that He is who He says He is, He is perfecting me, and He has won this battle!

So persevere… that’s the word… keep on walking… one step at a time… one sickness at a time… keeping away from Satan’s lies and worldly temptations….Remember…He’s here like no other… He knows me like no other… He loves like no other…

With the Bible, especially the New Testament, it is radically different. We have thousands of manuscripts from as far back as the end of the first century and the beginning of the second. This is decades after the originals were written, not centuries as is the case with many of the documents historians and archaeologist believe were first composed in ancient times.

So before we go on to look at the issue in technical detail, why the complete acceptance of Caesar as the true author of his accounts of conquest but scholarly scorn toward the considerably better authenticated history of the New Testament documents?

As evangelicals, I think we are able to say that the real difference is not one of scholarship but is spiritual. If the New Testament documents are authentic, then they require a spiritual response to the Person about whom they are written, a response to the claims of Jesus Christ has to be taken seriously, and that is something that non-Christians, particularly theological liberals who reject Christ’s supernatural nature, do not want to do. They reject the Scriptures not so much on an academic level but on a personal one… Julius Caesar dos not say we are sinners in need of repentance. The New Testament does, and this, rather than the actual truth about the authenticity of the documents, is the real issue at stake here. When we talk about the reliability of the New Testament documents, this is always something we have to remember.”

- Christopher Catherwood, Church History: A Crash Course for the Curious

Idolatry is worshiping created over the Creator… putting all your thoughts and time into it so that it is at the chief position in your heart.

What are your idols? What do you choose to worship before you choose to worship the God of the bible?

Smash them right now and turn to God in repentance, in Jesus Christ He has forgiven you.

“There is nothing that so characterizes all the activities of satan as his subtlety.”

I remember driving to my grandma’s house every Sunday night.  The drive was about 45 minutes, or what seems like a lifetime to a child.  One of my favorite parts of the drive was the tunnel. Going though the tunnel meant we were almost there, that we had made it through the most painfully boring part of the drive.  This tunnel was a particularly long one, and I always challenged myself to hold my breath until the end.  Upon entering the tunnel I would immediately take a deep breath in and then hold it as long as I could. I often times would make it to the end and let out a huge gasp. I remember intently focusing on the end of the tunnel, the ultimate goal, the chance to breathe.

The bible says we are to fix our eyes on Christ, the author and perfecter of faith (Hbr 12:2).   I see this as a sort of tunnel vision straight towards Christ. Getting to a point where we only see Him and knowing that because we are focused on Him, we will please Him.

This is difficult! If we stop and think about it, our lives can be far from the form of a tunnel.  Tunnels are closed in and only allow traffic in one direction. But our lives are full of side roads, pitstops, and detours; we have the choice to go another direction. It’s a little harder to take a left turn in a tunnel than on an open road.  So how do we get this tunnel vision, when all we see around us is open road?

Hebrews 12 talks about how God disciplines so that we may share in His holiness.  If we are disciplined enough to keep our eyes on Christ, and off of ourselves or the things in our lives that lead us away from Christ, then we will be holy as He is holy.  Holiness bears the fruit of righteousness.

However, discipline is not easy. In a way it is like holding your breath during that tunnel. You feel like you just might explode because you never quite know how long it will last, but you’re guaranteed to come out stronger because of it. Thankfully when God disciplines, we’re always given enough breath to get through the tunnel, even if it may be a struggle for a time.

I guess my point is that if we do what we can to keep our eyes intently fixed on Christ just when we think we might run out of breath (and every other time), we will not only serve Him more completely, but as a result:

We will love people more deeply because Christ deeply loves people.

We will be servants because Christ is a servant.

We will be humble because Christ is humble.

We will commune with God because Christ communes with God.

We will glorify God because Christ glorifies God.

What a wonderful hope that is… knowing that everything we endure, Christ endured all the more on the cross when He laid down His life for us. Let us live as He lives.

I can’t help but remember how I felt this time last year.  My body was failing me, and at any moment I felt I could disappear as the fog does once day breaks.  And yet here I am, for some reason, and part of me wishes that it had all ended… the part of me that’s tired of fighting. 

But then I know that when I don’t fight in my power, but in God’s, I will never tire. He will empower me and give me all the grace I need to get through each minute of the day.  But even knowing and believing this, I struggle to retain joy in Him… Weighed down by worldly cares I dispair, loosing sight of the hope that I have in Him.

So today, as my sinful nature wants to dispair… I choose to stand… stand in Christ, stand for my God… because now that is all that I can do. I don’t know what tomorrow brings or if I will even have a tomorrow, but I do know that God is Good. He brought me into the light, He brings me out of sickness and pain, He is the cure for dispair… He is… He was… He will always be.

My heart sings sweet praises to Him because He has saved me from myself and for that I am forever thankful…

Every morning I go out to my car and have confidence that it will start, but that’s not an enduring confidence.  There will be one day when I go outside( in the rain most likely) to find that my car won’t start… My confidence is shattered, what I had once expected no longer exists.  I put my confidence in something that fails.

I do this everyday, with things big and small… I make plans and decisions based on things that fail. I have confidence that something will work out, but it dosent… I am let down yet again…

But there is great hope when I put my confidence in God.  You see, God is unchanging… He is as He has always been… His characteristics never change, He never changes. He keeps His word, He shares His love, He does not disappoint.  Life is chalked full of changes… good and bad.  As humans, we expect change… although we may resist it or choose not to acknowledge it, we know that it is inevitable…But God does not change… it will never happen. “I am the Lord, I change not.” Malachi 3:6. Be encouraged by Spurgeon who says:

The stability which the anchor gives the ship when it has at last obtained a hold-fast, is like that which the Christian’s hope affords him when it fixes itself upon this glorious truth. With God “is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” Whatever His attributes were of old, they are now; His power, His wisdom, His justice, His truth, are alike unchanged. He has ever been the refuge of His people, their stronghold in the day of trouble, and He is their sure Helper still. He is unchanged in His love. He has loved His people with “an everlasting love”; He loves them now as much as ever He did, and when all earthly things shall have melted in the last conflafration, His love will still wear the dew of its youth. Precious is the assurance that He changes not! The wheel of providence revolves, but its axle is eternal love.

Today and everyday I proclaim that my confidence is not in me… My confidence is in the unchanging God who sent His only Son to live a perfect life, die a perfect death for my sin,  and rise again…so that I may live.

What did you put your confidence in today?

Without blemish You rule

Wholly just, wholly pure

In grace you love

And in faithfulness you provide

You make all things new

You work from within

How great and mighty you are!

To save a soul as mine.

You catch each tear

You heal each hurt

In you the weary  may rest

And the hungry may feast.

The burdened flourish

The lowly are lifted

Steadfast you are in this changing world

Upholding those that fall

And lifting those bowed down

How great and mighty You are!

That you would take thought of me.

Speak now

Your servant is listening

Move your words through my soul

Across the chasm  that you alone can fill

Speak your truth

Breathe your Spirit

Your character ignites my joy

You alone are faithful

You alone satisfy

You alone are God

Savior of my soul

Redeemer of this distructed heart

Giver of grace

My origin of joy.

Stand He says
Stand firm
His schemes are no match
Your armor is strong

Clamor calls out
As an old familiar friend
Absorbed like the sun
This darkness enters in

Stand He says
Stand firm
“I am more than enough”

Clamor calls out
As an old familiar friend
On my knees I do fall
Fully exhausted, empty, dry
nothing left to give

So I stand
Stand firm
Not of my own strength
But in the strength of Your might

You are my ground in unsteady times
You are my light when darkness surrounds
You are my source, power, and might
I’m nothing without You

So I stand
Stand firm
Through clamor’s call, I cling to You

My God, Father, Redeemer, Friend
Savior I stand
Because You fell for me.

So also am I

lost in a sprial of emptyness

you reached down to me

took my stains and made them yours

your clenliness was unheard of

yet you gave up it for me

released like a bird

freed from bonds

you became stained

i became clean

you died

i live

you rise

hope shines through

blotting out transgretion

What’s stopping you?