Today was a windy day. The leaves swirlled up around the street creating small orange tornatos around you as you walked. As I walked outside, and crossed the street the power of the wind reminded me of God’s presence in my life. Sometimes you feel Him more than others… and then my thoughts traveled to the verse that says life is a vapor…

I can’t help but remember how I felt this time last year.  My body was failing me, and at any moment I felt I could disappear as the fog does once day breaks.  And yet here I am, for some reason, and part of me wishes that it had all ended… the part of me that’s tired of fighting. 

But then I know that when I don’t fight in my power, but in God’s, I will never tire. He will empower me and give me all the grace I need to get through each minute of the day.  But even knowing and believing this, I struggle to retain joy in Him… Weighed down by worldly cares I dispair, loosing sight of the hope that I have in Him.

So today, as my sinful nature wants to dispair… I choose to stand… stand in Christ, stand for my God… because now that is all that I can do. I don’t know what tomorrow brings or if I will even have a tomorrow, but I do know that God is Good. He brought me into the light, He brings me out of sickness and pain, He is the cure for dispair… He is… He was… He will always be.

My heart sings sweet praises to Him because He has saved me from myself and for that I am forever thankful…

What is confidence? Lately it’s been on my mind… what do I put my confidence in??

Every morning I go out to my car and have confidence that it will start, but that’s not an enduring confidence.  There will be one day when I go outside( in the rain most likely) to find that my car won’t start… My confidence is shattered, what I had once expected no longer exists.  I put my confidence in something that fails.

I do this everyday, with things big and small… I make plans and decisions based on things that fail. I have confidence that something will work out, but it dosent… I am let down yet again…

But there is great hope when I put my confidence in God.  You see, God is unchanging… He is as He has always been… His characteristics never change, He never changes. He keeps His word, He shares His love, He does not disappoint.  Life is chalked full of changes… good and bad.  As humans, we expect change… although we may resist it or choose not to acknowledge it, we know that it is inevitable…But God does not change… it will never happen. “I am the Lord, I change not.” Malachi 3:6. Be encouraged by Spurgeon who says:

The stability which the anchor gives the ship when it has at last obtained a hold-fast, is like that which the Christian’s hope affords him when it fixes itself upon this glorious truth. With God “is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” Whatever His attributes were of old, they are now; His power, His wisdom, His justice, His truth, are alike unchanged. He has ever been the refuge of His people, their stronghold in the day of trouble, and He is their sure Helper still. He is unchanged in His love. He has loved His people with “an everlasting love”; He loves them now as much as ever He did, and when all earthly things shall have melted in the last conflafration, His love will still wear the dew of its youth. Precious is the assurance that He changes not! The wheel of providence revolves, but its axle is eternal love.

Today and everyday I proclaim that my confidence is not in me… My confidence is in the unchanging God who sent His only Son to live a perfect life, die a perfect death for my sin,  and rise again…so that I may live.

What did you put your confidence in today?

Outside of time You create

Without blemish You rule

Wholly just, wholly pure

In grace you love

And in faithfulness you provide

You make all things new

You work from within

How great and mighty you are!

To save a soul as mine.

You catch each tear

You heal each hurt

In you the weary  may rest

And the hungry may feast.

The burdened flourish

The lowly are lifted

Steadfast you are in this changing world

Upholding those that fall

And lifting those bowed down

How great and mighty You are!

That you would take thought of me.

Speak now

Your servant is listening

Move your words through my soul

Across the chasm  that you alone can fill

Speak your truth

Breathe your Spirit

Your character ignites my joy

You alone are faithful

You alone satisfy

You alone are God

Savior of my soul

Redeemer of this distructed heart

Giver of grace

My origin of joy.

Clamor calls out
As an old familiar friend
My heart wanes
Stirring insecurities shake my soul

Stand He says
Stand firm
His schemes are no match
Your armor is strong

Clamor calls out
As an old familiar friend
Absorbed like the sun
This darkness enters in

Stand He says
Stand firm
“I am more than enough”

Clamor calls out
As an old familiar friend
On my knees I do fall
Fully exhausted, empty, dry
nothing left to give

So I stand
Stand firm
Not of my own strength
But in the strength of Your might

You are my ground in unsteady times
You are my light when darkness surrounds
You are my source, power, and might
I’m nothing without You

So I stand
Stand firm
Through clamor’s call, I cling to You

My God, Father, Redeemer, Friend
Savior I stand
Because You fell for me.

As ink stains paper

So also am I

lost in a sprial of emptyness

you reached down to me

took my stains and made them yours

your clenliness was unheard of

yet you gave up it for me

released like a bird

freed from bonds

you became stained

i became clean

you died

i live

you rise

hope shines through

blotting out transgretion

Have you ever looked at something fifty times, but never really seen it?

What’s stopping you?

About a month ago the college age women’s bible study I go to made journals out of composition books (You know, the books that you used in grade school that are often black and white). Well, we covered them with magazine pictures, words, and scraps to personalize them. The appearance I was going for was an elegant 18th century look. I was actually quite impressed with the final product because usually when I try to do something creative, it never quite measures up to the vision I had for the project.

On the front are the words “Human Instrument”. I found this clipping from an add that had a woman who was also a cello. What the advertisement was for… I have no clue. But these words struck me and I found them to represent God’s people. It still amazes me that God uses sinful people to do His work. He doesn’t need people to do His work, but He chose and commands us to have a part in sharing our God with the World. This phrase I found to be profound at that moment because I felt like an instrument that was waited to be used and honestly getting a little impatient. But little did I realize, He was preparing me for the “show” and very soon I would be doing what He had put in my heart.

At the time i was feeling discouraged because I knew God wanted me to be in a ministry, but nothing was working out. And I knew that He would work it out in His time, but my impatient little heart couldn’t stand that. It’s all about now in this culture, and unfortunately I have soaked that up and it tainted my trust in the Lord. Oh I still had trust, but impatience blinded me as it seems to do.

I dedicated this journal to growing in trust and patience. It was an embodiment of my hope to wait on God and His plan for my life. I knew there was something, I just didn’t know what that something was. Now I know. He has given me a position within a ministry that I am familiar with. He has kept me in the same city (even though I am itching to move somewhere new). And He made so I can support myself. He provided everything, despite my struggle to be patient. I am overcome by His faithfulness in my life. All I can do is fall to my knees in pure awe of my great God and His unending faithfulness, grace, and mercy. And pray that I can be a beautiful instrument in His eyes and do well in His sight. What a joy it is to serve Him, and what a undeserved fortune it is to know Him!

Since I made the journal, I have only written one poem in it, but even if I never use it, it stands as a reminder that God is using me and is faithful to provide a way.

A faithful symphony plays within my soul

It tells of your grace and mercy

And their unending flow

Like a dove you came upon your people

The Spirit dwells within

You made holiness attainable

These dirty rags,

Woven clean.

Thank you for your guidance

Lovingkindness surpassing all

Move me in your ways

Break me of myself

My great Leader,

Make me a humble follower…

All for Your glory.

From my decision came indecision and from my indecision came a decision. My life has been quite unsure lately.  But finally, the Lord has given me peace about where I am to go.  For a few weeks now, I have been sitting on the decision that I am going to stay in Bellingham for the time being.  After a job I had been praying about in Seattle fell through at the beginning of the month, my second thoughts about moving to Seattle became very real.

So I will be in Bellingham, continuing to work with my church’s youth group, and searching for a job in my field.  It may not be a ministry job, but maybe it’s time I work outside of a ministry for a while.  Although working at my current part time job after I graduate is not the triumphant picture I had in my head, I believe it will all work out for my good.  And even better, it is yet another opportunity to trust God’s hand in my life. Afterall He has a much better perspective than me!  So with that in mind, I am contiuning on.  Although, I am not one to not think about other options.

My Junior year of college I looked into The Master’s College for grad. school.  I became interested in their Biblical Counseling Program, but put it in the back of my mind because I still had a while until college graduation.  Recently I revisited the idea of graduate school, and found it agreeable.  So I’ll be taking a year off, and perhaps applying to Master’s this fall.  Although school is not my favorite thing, I love the idea of studying the Bible for a degree and learning how to use the Bible to help people with their struggles.  Which is seemingly perfect for the type of ministry I want to work in.  Although going to school another two years will be financially straining, the Lord will do great work in that area of my life (as He has done in the past).   So that is my subject to change idea of what’s to come.  All I know is that the Lord is in the Heavens and does what He pleases.  So whatever I do is dependent on what the Lord wants in my life and how He feel I can best serve Him.

How exciting is that!  I’m glad plans don’t always work out because I know for a fact that if I had not struggled through decisions and circumstances, I would not have the strong relationship I have with the Lord now. James 1:2-8

Second thoughts are flooding my head right now. This week has been filled with second guesses on my decision to move to the Seattle area to find a job. I thought I had made a solid decision, but now I’m just not sure where to go next. With graduation coming up, I am going to have to act fast.

It takes so much for me to remain sane during my job search. I have not had any offers of even interviews and it becomes discouraging. The main job I had my eye on has not called and interviews start on Monday. I keep reminding myself of the Lord’s sovereignty and His faithfulness to provide for His children. I’m so glad that I am not stressing about it and He has given me much needed peace. The Lord is so faithful!

He will provide a job opening, and I know He is using this time to strengthen my faith and refine me. But my sinful nature is aching to go crazy. To start pacing around in an anxious frenzy and just go crazy. Thankfully for me and my roommate, the Lord does give peace because five years ago, I’m sure I would be doing just that.

So if anyone is out there, actually reading this, please pray for me. I just need a job so I can pay all of my bills, but even more so, I would like a job in my field (Human Services). Bills are important, but I want to help people and use the gifts the Lord has given me in my job so that I may serve Him.

Thanks…until next time…