Sharing joy only found in the Lord...
As ink stains paper
So also am I
lost in a sprial of emptyness
you reached down to me
took my stains and made them yours
your clenliness was unheard of
yet you gave up it for me
released like a bird
freed from bonds
you became stained
i became clean
you died
i live
you rise
hope shines through
blotting out transgretion
Have you ever looked at something fifty times, but never really seen it?
What’s stopping you?
About a month ago the college age women’s bible study I go to made journals out of composition books
(You know, the books that you used in grade school that are often black and white). Well, we covered them with magazine pictures, words, and scraps to personalize them. The appearance I was going for was an elegant 18th century look. I was actually quite impressed with the final product because usually when I try to do something creative, it never quite measures up to the vision I had for the project.
On the front are the words “Human Instrument”. I found this clipping from an add that had a woman who was also a cello. What the advertisement was for… I have no clue. But these words struck me and I found them to represent God’s people. It still amazes me that God uses sinful people to do His work. He doesn’t need people to do His work, but He chose and commands us to have a part in sharing our God with the World. This phrase I found to be profound at that moment because I felt like an instrument that was waited to be used and honestly getting a little impatient. But little did I realize, He was preparing me for the “show” and very soon I would be doing what He had put in my heart.
At the time i was feeling discouraged because I knew God wanted me to be in a ministry, but nothing was working out. And I knew that He would work it out in His time, but my impatient little heart couldn’t stand that. It’s all about now in this culture, and unfortunately I have soaked that up and it tainted my trust in the Lord. Oh I still had trust, but impatience blinded me as it seems to do.
I dedicated this journal to growing in trust and patience. It was an embodiment of my hope to wait on God and His plan for my life. I knew there was something, I just didn’t know what that something was. Now I know. He has given me a position within a ministry that I am familiar with. He has kept me in the same city (even though I am itching to move somewhere new). And He made so I can support myself. He provided everything, despite my struggle to be patient. I am overcome by His faithfulness in my life. All I can do is fall to my knees in pure awe of my great God and His unending faithfulness, grace, and mercy. And pray that I can be a beautiful instrument in His eyes and do well in His sight. What a joy it is to serve Him, and what a undeserved fortune it is to know Him!
Since I made the journal, I have only written one poem in it, but even if I never use it, it stands as a reminder that God is using me and is faithful to provide a way.
A faithful symphony plays within my soul
It tells of your grace and mercy
And their unending flow
Like a dove you came upon your people
The Spirit dwells within
You made holiness attainable
These dirty rags,
Woven clean.
Thank you for your guidance
Lovingkindness surpassing all
Move me in your ways
Break me of myself
My great Leader,
Make me a humble follower…
All for Your glory.
From my decision came indecision and from my indecision came a decision. My life has been quite unsure lately. But finally, the Lord has given me peace about where I am to go. For a few weeks now, I have been sitting on the decision that I am going to stay in Bellingham for the time being. After a job I had been praying about in Seattle fell through at the beginning of the month, my second thoughts about moving to Seattle became very real.
So I will be in Bellingham, continuing to work with my church’s youth group, and searching for a job in my field. It may not be a ministry job, but maybe it’s time I work outside of a ministry for a while. Although working at my current part time job after I graduate is not the triumphant picture I had in my head, I believe it will all work out for my good. And even better, it is yet another opportunity to trust God’s hand in my life. Afterall He has a much better perspective than me! So with that in mind, I am contiuning on. Although, I am not one to not think about other options.
My Junior year of college I looked into The Master’s College for grad. school. I became interested in their Biblical Counseling Program, but put it in the back of my mind because I still had a while until college graduation. Recently I revisited the idea of graduate school, and found it agreeable. So I’ll be taking a year off, and perhaps applying to Master’s this fall. Although school is not my favorite thing, I love the idea of studying the Bible for a degree and learning how to use the Bible to help people with their struggles. Which is seemingly perfect for the type of ministry I want to work in. Although going to school another two years will be financially straining, the Lord will do great work in that area of my life (as He has done in the past). So that is my subject to change idea of what’s to come. All I know is that the Lord is in the Heavens and does what He pleases. So whatever I do is dependent on what the Lord wants in my life and how He feel I can best serve Him.
How exciting is that! I’m glad plans don’t always work out because I know for a fact that if I had not struggled through decisions and circumstances, I would not have the strong relationship I have with the Lord now. James 1:2-8
Second thoughts are flooding my head right now. This week has been filled with second guesses on my decision to move to the Seattle area to find a job. I thought I had made a solid decision, but now I’m just not sure where to go next. With graduation coming up, I am going to have to act fast.
It takes so much for me to remain sane during my job search. I have not had any offers of even interviews and it becomes discouraging. The main job I had my eye on has not called and interviews start on Monday. I keep reminding myself of the Lord’s sovereignty and His faithfulness to provide for His children. I’m so glad that I am not stressing about it and He has given me much needed peace. The Lord is so faithful!
He will provide a job opening, and I know He is using this time to strengthen my faith and refine me. But my sinful nature is aching to go crazy. To start pacing around in an anxious frenzy and just go crazy. Thankfully for me and my roommate, the Lord does give peace because five years ago, I’m sure I would be doing just that.
So if anyone is out there, actually reading this, please pray for me. I just need a job so I can pay all of my bills, but even more so, I would like a job in my field (Human Services). Bills are important, but I want to help people and use the gifts the Lord has given me in my job so that I may serve Him.
Thanks…until next time…
Peace together the figments of hope
Make this faltering heart strong
Bless perseverance
Stand this test
Wait
And receive life
For I love you
And this is your promise
Make this act true devotion
Lead me in peace
Do not let go
“God with us”
You are my hope.
You are the steady hand
I grip before the fall.
You uphold me and keep me strong.
Your grace overflows the tidal pools of my heart
It rejuvenates and captures your beauty,
The mercy you show.
How you saved this destitute child
Oh, how I fail to leave my life to you.
Worry and angst come so swift
Uncertainty and stress easily overflow.
But, oh you are faithful to provide all my needs
Your love abounds with uplifting joy.
At night I cry out to you in the dark
You faithfully bring me to the light.
Seeing you brings a glow to my heart
But I dare not veil it and make it faint.
Your glory is my amazement, what I yearn to display.
Apart from You, I am naught.
My heart waits
To know you
Patience a gift
Is hard to receive
Shine truth in this
I’m unsure
This novice
Waits
Perhaps this will happen
Take it day by day
Comforting confusion
Safe within
Waits
I dare not speak
Certainty is false
Apart from You
Excitement tingles
Get up and move
Numbness brings paranoia
Not wanted
Reliance on You
Focus in
In Your hands I place
Everything
Assumptions fade
Distractions depart
Feeling overtakes my heart
All Knowing
Ever Faithful
Fallen am I
This contrite heart
Seeks your wisdom
Frustration aches to break in
How I rely on you
Your merciful ways
Enchanted by your grace
Perfect Planner
Make it clear
Strain my heart of distractions
Give these rough waters peace
Help me let go
Move on
Abolish selfish ambition
Fill me anew
Abounding job
Make me your vision
Give me trust
So all there is
Is You.
